Legolas Meets Another Fangirl!
by OmegaflareX
Summary: Hey authors - tired of all this Legolas fangirl-ism on FF.net? Need a sanctuary in the middle of all the insanity? Look no further - this is a parody of all these Legolas fanatics on here and is basically a walkthrough of what almost every story is!
1. To Middle Earth AGAIN

As the title might suggest, this is a fanfic that bashes Legolas fangirls, Legolas drones, and generally all fanfics that involve some girl hooking up with Legolas. This was also a project of mine that I put on a while ago but I never had the chance to post it back up after it was taken off for a bad rating.

I am doing this because I am _thoroughly_ convinced that very few of the girls who write these fanfics ever actually knew who Legolas WAS before Orlando Bloom took up the bow and arrow. So to all of you Legolas fangirls, feel free to flame this, you will be laughed at. To all those who hate Legolas fangirls/fanfics, read with pleasure. :D

Chapter 1: the 53,912nd Fangirl to get Transported to Middle-earth

Kaitlin sighed loftily as she did what she did every single afternoon of every single day: Browse through her near endless gallery of Orlando Bloom pictures. Bloom as William Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean, Bloom as Paris from Troy, and in particular, Bloom as Legolas from Lord of the Rings.

Fifteen year old Kaitlin thought Bloom was just so sexy (especially as Legolas); who cared if he didn't have much acting talent? He had a pretty face, and obviously that was all that mattered! Plus, who cared if all other fangirls loved his face and wanted to marry Legolas even though he was a 100 fictional character? Kaitlin knew that with the power of hope and love, she could somehow do it; just like every other person who loved Legolas' oh so pretty face! Besides, she deserved to marry Legolas, not all of the other fangirls who claimed the exact same thing. Of course, Kaitlin didn't know why she deserved to marry Legolas instead of the other thousands of Bloom lovers and wasn't sure why she deserved him since no badass archer in his right mind would fancy a fangirl, but she still knew she could make things her way with the righteous powers of godmoding and LOVE! Of course to be honest, with her pink shirt with Legolas in the center, her blonde hair tied the way Legolas did his, and her bluejeans with "LEGOLAS" stitched on one ankle, she really didn't have room to scoff at other people. She stayed locked in her room so often without exercise that the only reason she was skinny was because of her high metabolism.

That night, Kaitlin watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King again for the eleventh time, fast forwarding through every scene that didn't have Legolas in it, before turning in for the night. She dreamily stared at a poster of Legolas as she brushed her teeth, then got into bed. But before she went to sleep, she stared at a random poster of Bloom as Legolas and declared a remarkably stupid dedication:

"Legolas, I LOVE you so much, you're so just so cool, and I know that we were meant for each other! Oh I know there's that whole thing about you being a completely fictional character, but love can break through anything! One day we'll be together and I'll be waiting!" With that Kaitlin went to sleep and finally shut up about Orlando Bloom for the night; although she dreamt that Orlando Bloom was a prince and Kaitlin was a princess and they danced in a great ballroom; what, were you expecting something else by now?

Now, if you've read enough Orlando Bloom fanfics, you're probably familiar with the whole deal: Girl gets transported to fantasy world through some inexplicable phenomenon that makes for several holes in the plot, meets Legolas, and attempts to do obscene things to his elfhood. So let's cut to the chase here: IT WILL HAPPEN THE NEXT MORNING! DUH DUH DUUUUUUH! Try to contain your excitement. Go on, try, I dare you.

The next morning (bet you saw that coming)…

Kaitlin got up on Saturday morning after a night of dreams of Legolas and making out with Orlando Bloom and, after getting dressed and spending some time going through more pictures of her Orlando Bloom gallery, proceeded downstairs to have breakfast; her parents were always gone during the day. She spelt out "LEGOLAS" with her cereal and then ate every letter one by one; she did this secretly now, as her father had threatened to sodomize her with a broken beer bottle if she did this in his presence ever again.

When she went upstairs to proceed to go through more of her Orlando Bloom collection, and gasped when she got to her room.

Her computer monitor no longer showed her Legolas desktop, but it was a swirling mass of green and blue energy! She was flabbergasted!

"It must be the power of my wish!" Kaitlin exclaimed excitedly. "It's come true! Which means…this will let me be with Legolas!"

Then, without a single thought of danger, how this portal worked, or other unnecessary things such as food or water, she stepped forward and tentatively touched the portal with her hand; it went through the monitor! Giving a great leap of excitement, she leapt through the portal. Thus the not-so-great not-so-epic misadventure of the millionth Orlando Bloom fangirl began!

Kaitlin landed in a forest, her feet gently touching the ground. "Perfect landing!" She beamed and looked around; she looked to be in a lush green forest, and hopefully the forest in the north that led to her love Legolas! Unfortunately, Kaitlin had no way to confirm that this was Mirkwood and she could have wound up on the other side of the continent instead, but hey, the powers of love and dreams fills in all the holes, right? Right? Come on readers, right?

Looking over to the left, Kaitlin saw a wide dirt road running through the forest, presumably for other travelers. She strode confidently to it, picked a direction, and began to walk.

Now at this point in the story, every Legolas fangirl has an easy, frequently carefree trip through wherever it is she must go to meet Legolas. So I'll incorporate some obstacles that Bloom fangirls often forget.

After about two minutes, Kaitlin was already getting tired. She rarely exercised, preferring to stay locked in her room drooling over her Orlando Bloom fanfics. Her legs ached, and small bugs flew around her, attracted by her sweat. She was bitten several times, and she repeatedly swatted at thin air, vainly trying to shoo away the flies. "I hope this…leads me to Legolas!" Kaitlin managed to say through her heavy breathing. "This is just a trial, that's all!"

Soon, the trees thinned and gave way to vast hills and meadows that stretched as far as Kaitlin could see. She remembered this from the movie…Arwen had run along this path! "This means I'm near the elf city of Rivendell!" Kaitlin clapped her hands together in joy. "I'll be able to find Legolas!" Of course, she didn't know that Rivendell was not a city. It was an elven house. Hence the name, the House of Elrond.

After traveling for what she felt was at least an hour, Kaitlin was very thirsty after all of the walking, but there was no water in sight. She was also hungry, and sweat matted her shirt. "This trial…will be worth it if I find Legolas." She managed to say as she hobbled along, her legs aching worse than ever.

Intermission: Now I can't be too harsh to poor Kaitlin, so I'll throw in a common LotR fic cliché.

As Kaitlin reached the top of a particularly large hill, she gasped. A beautiful tan colored stallion stood to the side of the road, nibbling on bits of grass and swishing his tail majestically. Kaitlin had a hunch that she could use this horse to get to the elf city Rivendell faster!

So, without any horseback riding or any pause to consider that maybe this was a wild horse or a horse that already belonged to someone, she gave a great leap and landed on the horse's back. The horse gave a great neigh of surprise and tried to turn around to see the offending idiot.

"Okay horsie!" Kaitlin commanded happily, apparently forgetting that horses do not communicate in human speech. "You're gonna take me to Rivendell city now!"

Intermission: Remember when I said I couldn't be too harsh to Kaitlin? I lied.

The horse gave a great rear and threw Kaitlin from his back. Kaitlin landed face down in the dirt and hit her head. Stars exploded in front of her eyes as she stared down at the ground. Shakily, she got up. Her clothes were now covered in the dust from the road, and the horse had resumed his eating, apparently satisfied with what he had done to Kaitlin.

"That's no way to treat a rider, horsie!" Kaitlin marched to the side of the horse. "You're gonna take me to Rivendell…NOW!" She leapt again, but the horse moved away almost casually, and Kaitlin landed face down for the second time in the grass. Her head spinning, Kaitlin stood up. The horse gave a small neigh as it ate, as if giggling.

Kaitlin waited a few minutes until her head had stopped spinning. "Okay, okay!" Kaitlin paced around to the horse's backside. "I'll give you a few minutes to eat, then we're going! But I need to give you a name…how does 'Percy' sound as a name for you?"

Without warning, the horse raised on one of its hind legs and kicked Kaitlin in the stomach. She flew back to the ground, gasping. "Okay." She rasped as she got up. "We'll think of something else later."

Once she regained her breath, the horse had stopped eating and was staring at Kaitlin as if daring her to come any closer. "Okay horsie…now that you're done eating…let's RIDE!" The horse did not move this time, but gave a loud neigh of annoyance. "Ride, horsie! Ride!" She kicked her heels into the horse's sides.

Kaitlin just had time to grab the sides of the horse before it took off full speed down the road. Kaitlin barely managed to stop herself from falling over and she was dizzy from almost falling off. But she was going to Rivendell at last! Soon she would get to Rivendell city, where she would find Legolas for sure! So, her adventure continued just like most fangirls' adventures: Without knowledge, experience, or any idea where she is, but still progressing! Kaitlin's adventure is similar, I just put in a lot of the minor obstacles that a lot of fangirls seem to omit.

After what felt like another hour, Kaitlin was thinking that she had to be close to Rivendell by now. Arwen hadn't been riding for that long…

Her thinking was stopped by her speeding horse, which stopped abruptly and hurled Kaitlin off his back. Kaitlin screamed and splashed face down, yet again, into a stream.

She sat up, shivering from the cold. She was thirsty and hungry, but she had forgotten she had landed clear in a fresh water stream. Her horse had also ridden off, neighing in joy that it had finally gotten rid of his pathetic rider.

Kaitlin looked around. She remembered this area from somewhere…it was where Arwen had fended off those black rider thingies! She thought. She had no idea what the black rider thingies were, since she had fast forwarded through all scenes that didn't involve Legolas, but where was the harm in that? She was here!

Suddenly she remembered she was in a fresh water stream, and that she was thirsty. She drank several gulps of the water happily, glad to no longer have a dry, parched mouth.

When she looked up, she saw several short men staring at her. But they couldn't be men, they were too short, and they had ponies with them…

"Hobbits!" Kaitlin pointed at the small halflings, who were now whispering to each other and snickering. "You're hob-BAAHH!" A small crustacean had sank its claw into her leg. She hopped around awkwardly. "GET IT OFF! GET IT…OOOOOWW!" She pried it from her leg, and it took some of her skin with it; her ankle began to bleed.

At this, the hobbits roared with laughter, slapping their knees and pointing at Kaitlin.

Intermission: So, you think I'm being too cruel, even if it is a Legolas fangirl? …Nah, I didn't think so either.

Kaitlin shook the water out of her hair and glowered at the laughter hobbits. She marched straight up to them. They stopped laughing, but they were still giggling and smiling at her. "Do you know who I am?" Kaitlin thrust her chest forward in an attempt to look imperious, but since I'm writing the story, she gets no godmoding powers that make her look powerful and mighty. "I am the future wife of Prince Legolas of the Mirkwood, and you have no right to laugh at me!"

The hobbits' eyes widened, their grins broadened, and they positively collapsed with laughter. Most of them starting wiping tears of laughter from their eyes. One of them gestured to the others, and they took their ponies and led them away, still laughing.

Kaitlin stared after the hobbits, tears starting to well in her eyes. But she shook them off; they would see…once she was Legolas' lover, she would show them! It didn't matter if Hobbits weren't under the command of an elven queen who lived thousands of miles away, because fangirl stories have lots of plot holes in them!

Back in the real world, Kaitlin was discovered missing quite some time after her disappearance, as normally she kept her door shut while she browsed through her Legolas picture gallery. Her parents halfheartedly reported it to police, though they neglected to do anything because they, as a sergeant put it, "didn't really give a ". A lieutenant followed up by saying "It's about time someone shipped her to Mongolia or wherever." Her parents, far from being shocked or dismayed at this news, went to the Caribbean to celebrate.

Thus ends Chapter 1.

That ends the first part of my huge rant against Legolas fangirls. How DARE you take a perfectly good Lord of the Rings character and ram him into the ground by bashing random keys and hoping it turns out as a decent fanfic? Here's an eye opener for all of you Legolas obsessed, sugar high fanatics: _Legolas is not a real character and you have absolutely no chance of marrying Orlando Bloom_. That's why roughly 95 of authors no heed to you.

To everyone else, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!


	2. The Not so Great Journey

Hey everyone! Sorry I took so long to get the next chapter up. Now that school's finally out, I'm back on a normal sleeping schedule and the chapters will be rolling out from here!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, but most notably:

Cede – Thanks for the suggestions, I looked into them and I was very impressed!

Flame girl – This flames fangirls, not Legolas. Learn to read next time. I'm also not saying everyone who likes Orlando Bloom is a rabid fangirl, it's just when they churn out these godawful fanfics that I get suspicious.

Fantail – Nobody's forcing you to read it. Just as you are allowed to write fangirl stories, I'm allowed to in turn write stories making fun of them. I plead the first. :P

Chapter 2, the (mis)adventure continues!

Kaitlin was now dirty, drenched with water, and still hungry, but she still kept up her brainless fangirl optimism that she would soon be Legolas' lover and the princess of Mirkwood. Legolas fangirls are stupid, but they're also incredibly tenacious.

She hobbled, still dizzy from the horse ride and being flung from her mount, across the river and sat down to catch her breath. What an amazing journey it had been, Kaitlin thought. Oh, there were some very minor setbacks, like having no idea where she was, having no food or money, and not being able to find Legolas, but they were only obstacles of her trial! Soon, the power of her love and her godmoding would prevail, and she and Legolas would live happily ever after. Like I'm going to use THAT as an ending for this parody.

She turned around leapt with surprise; four elves were staring at her, bows drawn and arrows held loosely at their sides. One looked mildly curious, the other three looked suspicious.

"A girl?" One of them asked.

"A human girl." The second corrected. "In strange refinery, too. Nowhere in Middle-earth have I seen such odd garments."

"ELVES!" She jumped in delight, and the elves tensed. "You're from Rivendell City, aren't you?"

One of the elves laughed, but the others glared.

"Rivendell is not a city, fool girl." The third elf said dryly. "It is the House of Elrond." He whispered to the second elf. "She bears the stupidity of an ox."

"I heard that!" Kaitlin glared at the elf. "You have no right to insult me! I am the future wife of Legolas, your prince!"

The elves stared at her, and the one who had looked curious now equaled the suspicious glares of the others.

"Girl, Legolas is not _our_ prince." The fourth elf said coldly.

"Wait…I forgot…isn't Rivendell in Mirkwood?" A lot of fangirls get that confused too, y'know.

The elves narrowed their eyes in unison. It seemed Kaitlin was going from bad to worse.

"Mirkwood is miles northwest of here. Your intelligence is low even by the standards of your kind." The first elf seemed to revel in insulting Kaitlin.

"That's not very nice!" Kaitlin said. "I am-"

One signaled to the others and they pointed their bows at Kaitlin, who cut off immediately, eyes widening.

"It is also a great insult to call yourself the future wife of Legolas." The elf continued. "Legolas is an immortal prince of Mirkwood, and you are a human girl…nothing but a mortal."

"That doesn't matter!" Kaitlin persisted. "The power of hope and dreams will triumph, and I will marry him!" I should shut her up now, so I don't bore you all to death with her love and dreams.

The elves tightened their grips on their arrows. "Girl, you are a step away from death." The third elf said coldly. "Do not persist in this matter."

"Where are you from, and what are you doing here?" The second elf chimed in. "There has not been another human here for some time aside from Strider."

Kaitlin thought for a moment, then recognized the name; she had also included some scenes with that guy who was the heir to some throne; he wasn't as sexy as Legolas though. Details didn't matter to her, only how Strider and Legolas were hot!

"Aragorn!" She burst without thinking…well, thinking is beyond Bloom fangirls anyway. "Yeah, I know Aragorn!"

One of the elves roughly shoved her onto the bank.

"How do you know Strider's true name?" The fourth elf demanded furiously.

"Er, I-I watched the Fellowship of the Ring, and-"

"The RING?" The first elf stared at her. "How does she know about the One Ring?"

"The One Ring?" Kaitlin tilted her head. "That's The Dark Lord's or something, isn't it? The Dark Lord is real in Lord of the Rings, you know, in this world, he isn't a fairy tale or anything, that's one of the few non-Legolas scenes I remember-"

"Perhaps she is a human agent of Sauron!" The first stared at Kaitlin with fury. Legolas would not dare mingle with slime like her, she can be swept downriver!"

"No!" Kaitlin started to say. "Really, Fellowship of the Ring is a movie, and-"

"Movie?" Repeated the third elf. "Girl, if I want nonsense shouted at me by a girl with undeniably low intelligence I shall ask the Istari to brew a Babbling Beverage for you." The elf spat.

With that, he picked up Kaitlin by the scruff of her neck and hurled her into the center of the river. Wondering when she would stop landing face down on the ground, she stood up. "Please!" She begged. "You're making a mistake! I am worthy of Legolas' affection, and I'm not an agent of…whoever you said he was, Sauro, thing! I don't know, I fast forwarded through all the scenes in the movie that didn't involve Legolas!"

"Perhaps she is one of Sauron's low ranking spies." One of the elves said audibly. The others smiled slightly. "She is certainly too insane to perform any of his tasks."

With that, the elves seemed to focus intently on the river and started chanting. Kaitlin continued babbling about how she spelled LEGOLAS in her cereal every morning and talking about the pictures of Legolas in her endless gallery back at home, presumably thinking that any of the elves actually gave a crap. She had a vague idea what this scene was; she had fast forwarded through it because didn't have Legolas; it didn't even have Aragorn.

A rushing sound interrupted her babbling, thankfully silencing her. The elves stood back looking complacent. Kaitlin stared at where the increasingly loud rushing noise was coming from, and her eyes widened when she looked at her feet and saw a wave of water, in the shape of several horses, cascade over her like a tidal wave. Kaitlin managed to gasp a breath before she was swept off her feet into the water and the elves faded from view almost immediately.

Kaitlin felt as though she was being tumbled around like a rag doll. She kept spinning around and around, and she had no idea where she was going; partly because she had read and reread the biography of Legolas in her Fellowship of the Ring scrapbook instead of looking at the Middle earth map.

Kaitlin managed to break the surface of the rushing stream just in time to see an incoming branch hit her full in the face. "YEOW!" She yelled, ducking her head just in time to feel another branch, this one under the water, hit her in the stomach. "OOOW!" She gasped as it drove the air from her lungs. She resurfaced to see a second branch hit in her in the face; she ducked and got another branch in the stomach.

This joyous process continued only for a few minutes (sorry readers, I know it's delightful but I can't have it last TOO long). Kaitlin would repeatedly get hit by various branches and immediately give off an earsplitting "OW!" or "YEEEOOOW!".

Finally, Kaitlin managed to grab a branch that was for once higher than her head and pull herself out of the water. There were several swollen spots on her stomach and a large bump on her forehead, but she ignored the pains to shout out to nobody in particular:

"I've overcome the hardest challenge yet! Those elves were only testing my devotion to Legolas! It can only go uphill from here!"

No sooner had she said these words than a bird on top of the tree above Kaitlin laid its droppings on her head.

"GROSS!" Kaitlin screamed and ducked her head under the river and scrubbed her hair furiously before resurfacing.

"Throw anything you've got at me, Middle-Earth, but I will be with my lover Legolas!" (She's really asking for it by now)

"Now…" thought Kaitlin. "What do I do now? I need to find out where that stream took me so I can get back on track to Legolas again."

Kaitlin marched off singing jubilantly about Legolas. Birds took off screeching loudly once they heard Kaitlin's voice, which sounded vaguely like nails scratching on a chalkboard into a megaphone. You'd think by now all of these setbacks would have sharpened her senses just a little bit, but oh, that's right…the whole "Legolas fangirl" thing.

She hadn't gone far before she encountered another road. "Aha!" Kaitlin cried. "A road! Surely this one will lead me to Legolas!" With that she picked another direction randomly and walked off, apparently having no idea she did not know where the hell she was going.

She hadn't walked far with her stomach still growling from hunger before she encountered a small town. "Awesome, a place for me to rest! Surely they'll give me the best room, as I am Princess Kaitlin!"

In a record breaking two minutes she had been chucked out of the tavern and had landed in the mud.

"You laugh!" She screeched to the laughing men inside the tavern as she wobbily stood up. "Once I'm a queen I'll give all of you lifelong prison sentences!" Someone in the bar replied by throwing a beer flagon at her, then threw the bottle for good measure. She swiftly avoided them by falling back down into the mud again.

"Who needs you?" She yelled defiantly into the tavern, then stalked off.

Before she managed to get herself thrown out, Kaitlin had managed to eat some food. She _thought_ it was some form of meat, but she ate it anyway. That's right folks: What do you with something when you don't know what it is? That's right: **Put it in your mouth!**


End file.
